d-day

Today was D-day. And by D-day, I don't mean what you think it means.

It's a Friday night and I can't stop stressing. At this very moment, I've got a lemon cookie in my mouth and I have no idea how many I've already eaten. I've also drank an ungodly amount of chocolate milk during this process. No plans to stop anytime soon.

It all started in the morning with a horrific midterm result. I hadn't been extremely confident to begin with, but of course, I hoped for the best. Unfortunately, it still didn't turn out as I had wanted it to. The first d kicked in shortly after.

His name was Disappointment and I embraced him without hesitation. All through my morning lecture, I wallowed in sadness, wondering how I could have done so poorly when I had studied so hard. There was absolutely no one to blame but myself. It was crushing.

Not long after, Despise paid a little visit. His nagging voice droned on and on. Why are you so stupid? Why can't you be like your friends? So-and-so would've done so much better than you. Why aren't you more like him/her? Why can't you just measure up for once? Wow, I told you you'd never succeed. 

Already weak, I succumbed and stashed Confidence into the corner as Doubt swooped in with a cheeky grin. How are you supposed to make it to med school if you're already failing your general ed courses? How are you supposed to have a future if you can't even survive the stress of your first semester in school? How are you supposed to do better if you already gave it your best shot? Are you sure you're supposed to be here? Are you sure you can make it? What if you can't?

You know when somebody has a bad day and you tell them it's going to be okay and that they just have to put it all in perspective? I realized today just how incredibly tough it is to swallow that same advice when the roles are reversed.

A little while ago, I talked about putting our identity in Christ and understanding that our worth is not dependent on anything that we do (or can't do). All of that came to life today. It was so challenging to not beat myself over and over again, but ultimately it was about knowing that my worth was not measured by a number I got on an exam. (This, of course, is no excuse for not trying harder, but I think you get my drift.) Thank God for friends and family that have not stopped encouraging me and gently guiding me into not blowing this mess out of proportion. You know who you are, honestly. Gratitude is all I have at this moment. Gratitude and lots of lemon cookies. You can have them all.

There's little more for me to say other than I'll survive and get over it. As a dear friend reminded me today, "This too shall pass." For now, I'm off to hit the books. Three midterms down, one more to go. Time to sweep out those D's and get working.