well, goodbye sophomore year

Hey.

I know.

I keep disappearing off this space. Not because I mean to, but you know, life.

Admittedly, I've been beating around the bush with this post. I have a million things I want to say but I can't figure out where or how to start, so I kind of just don't. Let's just say a variation of this post began during finals week but I was unable to sit down and just flesh out anything coherent. I mean, c'mon, it was finals week. Who even has the time?

How the semester wrapped up only a mere month ago is beyond me because all that seems so far away now. The rest of May after exams was bursting at the seams with things to do and places to be. Some highlights of these past three weeks have included road-tripping down to MD with a handful of dear friends (more on that in a bit), helping out with a church event over Memorial Day weekend (and reconnecting with some familiar faces), having the immense privilege of shooting my first wedding as a second photographer, eating my way around Times Square with friends through wind and rain, moving out of the house (MOM AND DAD HAVE AN EMPTY NEST, SAY WHA?) and into my new apartment, and beginning my work at a lab for the summer. Sprinkled in between here and there has been a gamut of emotions that have come with running on little sleep and being constantly away from home. Despite the awkward tan lines, food baby, and sleep debt accumulation I've managed to rack up in the process, I wouldn't trade any of it. God has been so good to me.

So onto the deets of what has actually been going on in my life. After tucking away all papers and exams and textbooks for good, a small motley yet endearing band of us pooled together whatever camping gear we owned and packed up the cars for a little post finals getaway. The forecast predicted a 60% chance of rain so we crossed our fingers with bated breath and hoped somehow that the sunshine would prevail. True to our prayers, we received three days of hot sand and salty breeze blowing and settling into every crevice possible. We slathered on the sunscreen and had the time of our lives.

Aside from the continuous onslaught of sticky sand and the swarm of mosquitos at dusk, beach camping is as about breathless as it sounds. Drifting off slowly into serene slumber and listening to the dull roar of the ocean blending in between snatches of quiet conversation rising around a toasty fire is a feeling that leaves me craving for more.

On one of the nights, after dinner had been served and the dirty dishes had been washed and put away, I found myself lying on a sandy mat, surrounded by a few friends, mesmerized and engulfed by the vast night canvas that hung above me--its every square inch covered with tiny glowing lights that made up our constellations. Every time I looked up, I couldn't help but marvel at the Creator who had hand-picked and crafted every particle and placed each in its own and proper place. I know for a fact that my one regret in life will be that I will never be able to experience and capture all the beauty that exists on this planet, but what phenomena I can see, I will contently spend the rest of my life staring in awe and treasuring.

I think most people don't make the connection between leisure and camping because who in their sound mind would want to trade in the comfort of their air-conditioned homes and fully functioning ceramic toilets for sleepless nights on a bedrock (or lumpy sand) and a hole in the ground, sticky from sweat and reeking from various body odors? I guess that would be a turnoff for most, but I love it. (Although, I guess I could make do without the body odor.) There's something about putting a group of people out to feed and fend for each other that pulls us all just a little bit closer together. Granted we all had our 4G networks and were located a half hour's drive out from civilization, but having everyone around a picnic table communing is something I miss terribly. Even if "communing" consisted of simple things such as feeding fruit to hungry mouths, pressing together hamburger patties with our bare hands, poking the hot coals to stoke an ever-dying fire, washing dishes by the light of a lamp, documenting each moment with a monopod and dead raccoon, or just carrying the conversation, we depended on each other in a natural way. I miss that.

SIDE NOTE: HERE'S a little video that my insanely talented friend, J, put together from our little getaway. I've lost track of how many times I've watched it. I love it. And of course, the people in it. (I'd embed the video, but it's on a private setting and J was gracious enough to let me link it. WATCH IT!)

Looking back, I find this whole trip funny because at the beginning of the semester I would've never imagined myself camping on a beach with these very same people that I hold so dear to my heart now. Not that I had anything against them but I have to be honest and say I barely knew them. In fact, I barely knew anyone. My driven mentality of keeping college to strictly school was suffocating me in a way I hadn't realized up until that point. Camping, in some sense, was the culmination of what God had been trying to teach me all along this entire semester. That community is essential, vital, if you want to grow as a person be it emotionally, mentally and even spiritually.

Sometime mid-March, I received a text from a friend who reached out to me because she had resonated with something I'd mentioned on the blog. I had talked to her on a few occasions but other than knowing her name and the occasional hello, we were essentially strangers. Nevertheless, we arranged to grab a meal together at the dining hall one night and as I sat across from her, listening to her recount her life experiences and what God had been teaching her lately, I couldn't help think that I had found a kindred spirit in her. We were going through similar circumstances (only, of course she was handling hers with much more grace than I was), and through some twisted yet beautiful way, we bonded over it and the things that God had been teaching us both. C.S. Lewis' quote comes to mind immediately, "Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought no one but myself..."

Shortly after, God began to open doors and break down the barriers I had unknowingly built for myself. My little bubble with her began to expand. She brought up the idea of beach camping one day, something that we'd both always wanted to do but had never gotten a chance to accomplish. Two short months of planning were made amid the flurry of school. As the few who had not grown up in the same church as everybody else in fellowship had, we fretted about who to invite and how everything would go down. She booked the sites a few weeks in advance, the boys planned out our meals and shopped for everything we needed, I fished out every single camping equipment we owned (which was not much). I remember sitting in her garage the night before we were to leave taking inventory of our equipment--the both of us tired beyond exhaustion and me silently praying that it would all be worth it. I needn't have thought that. In retrospect, I believe that moment we ran, laughing and stumbling our way down the hard lumpy sand to the shoreline and felt the sand squishing beneath our toes and the icy waves lapping at our feet, neither of us could deny how surreal it all was.

It would be terribly rude of me to not mention everyone else who has played such a tremendous role in my life the past school year. I could go on about various individuals--people who have not stopped exemplifying the Father's love in my life. People who have opened up their homes and couches to me for the past two years, cooked for me when I got my wisdom tooth pulled during finals week, swiped numerous meals for me at the dining hall, woke up early enough to run a mile or two with me, laughed with me and at me (totally unacceptable), tolerated and forgiven all the insensitive crap I've said when I was stressed, prayed with me and for me, patiently listened to me 'til the wee hours of morning, called and texted to let me know I was in their thoughts and prayers, taken time out of their busy schedule to listen to me rage about how stupid boys can be, given me advice that I treasure so dearly, pointed me back to Christ when I was in the wrong, encouraged me with their words and actions, studied at the library with me for hours on end, treated me to coffee or lunch, given me rides to and from various places... I could go on. I could list names, but I won't. I believe you all know very well who you are and if you don't, God knows you all mean the world to me. Honestly. Somehow, you all took my most difficult semester and turned it into the most memorable one yet. Reminded of Paul when he wrote to the Philippi church, "I thank my God every time I remember you." Yes, I do.

Excited is a clear understatement about how I feel about what's ahead. Thanks for the ride, sophomore year. Onward.

grace in the city

An afternoon in the city.

The four of us. 

No concrete plans for the day and somehow for a control freak who plans every detail down to the minute, it was perfect. Days like this when the family is together I cap in a bottle and tuck away.

We roamed through the heart of midtown, joining the crowds gathered at every intersection and swarming the sidewalks; tourists pooled beneath the Empire State Building, stretching out in a line that nearly wrapped around the block and I admired their willingness to wait in a three hour line to catch a glimpse of the city.

We marveled at the skyscrapers from down below. New York, the city of lines and protruding angles. Afterwards, when we'd grown tired of pushing and squeezing past the masses, we stumbled across a little nook with rustic tables and low-hanging lights suspended from the ceiling, the perfect hideout to escape the cold and the chaos outside. We huddled around a table in the corner and passed around rich hot drinks to warm our fingers and fuel the conversations about integrating faith and life. I couldn't help but smile at the name of the coffee shop:

Grace Street.

Grace. The common thread that bound us all together. The reason why we still thrive as a family even when we've had our fair share of bad days and felt like ripping out each other's hair or grabbing at each other's throats. Or as Erma Bombeck put more eloquently, family is "inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant."

Grace. Receiving something we never deserved. Not just shutting an eye to another's faults, but choosing to silently forgive and love when we had the desire and ability to turn against each other and tear down whatever threads still held us together.

Of course, true as Bombeck's intentions may have been, she erred when she assumed we could heal the pain we inflicted upon each other. In our two decades of living together, four sinners have seen enough disappointment and watched each other stumble and fall and claw our way back towards the light. We've said words that weren't meant to be said. Words that cut deep and crushed the spirit instead of building it up. We've screamed and shouted at one another in a miserable fashion, begging the other to see the speck of sawdust in their eyes when in reality our vision was just as clouded, if not more.

Four sinners under a roof, grasping for understanding, a coping mechanism, not just to survive but thrive.

As a unit. 

But I know that in my twenty years, I've seen it. I've seen it appear over and over again.

Grace happens. 

And when it does, it is beautiful. Because we start to build each other up. We start to strengthen the bonds that pull us together. Our feeble attempts of reconciliation lead us crawling back to the cross where it first began. It beckons us to come by the street of grace, to stop in, sit down, and replenish the soul together. To dine at the table where He gives it so freely. He loved us first so we could love each other.

So, we walk out together. Breathing the cool fresh air of the city. Ready to face the cold and the chaos again.

As a family.

{ j u l y } 2 of 2

After scrambling to put this post together (August really snuck up on us, huh?), I realize that these pictures appear to be a random selection. I must adamantly state that they are not. They perfectly sum up the second half of my July.

It was midnight. Our boarding time was set at 1:10 AM. I had always thought it was exciting to be at the airport at such an hour, ready to board a flight to some distant, exotic land. Only the place we were going was less than exotic. Nevertheless, I cheerfully bid my parents farewell and trailed the rest of the team. And quite the team we made. Backpacks in tow, one black and two blues, two fearless mothers and one very inexperienced child (me).

Travel time marked a little over fifteen hours. That was fifteen plus hours of restlessness, inflight movies, squirming uncomfortably to find a position to sleep in, cakey airplane food, dry eyes, dry lips, dry toes, dry I-didn't-even-know-that-part-of-my-body-was-capable-of-being-so-dry and countless bathroom trips. (Side note: The Grand Budapest Hotel now ranks as my all time favorite comedy. 4.5 stars, Wes). The dim sum at the airport made up for every airline grievance and did away with the feverish weariness, however.

Going overseas and immersing myself in a culture I seldom have a chance to fully embrace was quite an experience. Combine that with me--a tongue-tied, slightly feverish, practically American born Chinese trying to teach conversational English phrases to kids who pronounce six as "seh KUH sih"-- you can imagine that this new experience never failed to take an unexpected twist or two. Got laughed at a few times but alas, one must learn quickly to take everything with a good sense of humor. Whew, packed on some thick skin. I recapped about my thoughts on the trip HERE if you would like to read it.

Anyway. Summer's winding down. (Ugh, I'm sorry okay? I had to say it). It has been an excruciatingly slow week as I adjust back to living on the Western side of the globe. Gosh, jet lag has not been easy on me this time. But I digress. School is coming back. I'm excited. That's right. I am excited, thrilled, whatever you want to call it. Not so much about school, but more about this new phase of life and all the emotions that come with change. I'm possibly giddier than I was when I began college. And no, I will not allow anyone to burst my bubble. Let me happily embrace every new chapter of my life. I am very aware that it will all but fade in its own time but until then, I'm going to go and soak in as much as possible. Ciao.

{ j u l y } 1 of 2

“But the summer had been a very happy one, too -- a time of glad living with summer suns and skies, a time of keen delight in wholesome things; a time of renewing and deepening of old friendships; a time in which she had learned to live more nobly, to work more patiently, to play more heartily.” 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of exploring the nooks and cranies of the city I'd never bothered to discover for myself before. My petite counterpart, A, flew down to grace me with her lovely presence and we scrambled about New York devouring everything in our path from pizza and gelato in West Village to pizza in Brooklyn (Grimaldi's, of course) to shaved ice and fruit pops at the High Line to dim sum, boba, ice cream in Chinatown to lamb gyros at the random food truck parked right in front of the American Museum of Natural History. And that's not even counting all the countless cups of frozen yogurt and gelato we had in between. 

My goodness, time to detox. 

I should probably add that between stuffing our faces with grease we also moseyed through "touristy" attractions, such as Times Square (she was less than impressed, I might add), Central Park, the Met, the MoMA to less touristy attractions such as Three Lives bookstore in West Village, multiple Uniqlo's (her new favorite store), and Brooklyn Bridge Park (a sure winner) to name but a few. Having planned this trip for nearly a year and experiencing multiple conflicts in between, I can say her visitation surpassed every expectation. 

How do I describe my relationship with A? She and I have been through quite the handful in the relatively short amount of time we've known each other. We met in late 2008 and stayed close even after I moved a few state lines away. Somehow, she still feels like one of my oldest and dearest friends. I've said this before but I'll say it again, she is literally the sister I never had. And by sister, I mean we love each other by grating on each other's nerves. This "grating on each other's nerves" basically consists of passive aggressive comments from me while she makes a point to correct every little inaccuracy that comes out of my mouth. I swear, she will never let go of the fact that I mixed up my history dates when in my excitement after discovering Downton Abbey two years ago, I likened it with Pride and Prejudice. (Gosh, I'm sorry okay, A?) She probably gets annoyed at my nonstop complaining and whining and all the self-esteem issues I have about my food baby. In return, I put up with her ever-so-lovely rendition of Disney tunes. 

After dropping her off at the airport yesterday morning, I came home to a rather empty house. I took a nap to catch up on my ever-accumulating sleep debt and woke up feeling like I had lost someone. The rain was coming down hard outside and I realized it'd been a long time since I'd felt this kind of achy sadness--a perfectly deep, gut-wrenching feeling that gnaws constantly at the heart and never quite goes away. The phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" has come quite alive in the past three years with every visit and farewell. How fortunate I am to have someone to miss so much. 

Until next time, love. Onward to the respective adventures that await us.

{ j u n e }

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain til you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's goodbye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies." --Jack Kerouac

June, a crazy month full of sneaky little adventures. My heart still holds dear the goodbyes said these past few days. L left Tuesday and the bro left Wednesday. I was sad to see them go, but I loved every moment with them, including the hilarious family dinner to end all family dinners. (Oh Lord, I'll never look at Korean food the same.) Their affection for each other and life is adorably precious and I must say I'm a big fan of them both together and individually. They are each working on their own endeavors--one an aspiring high school teacher and the other a budding filmmaker, but both are brilliant in their respective fields. I have such respect for them and could go on for ages, but I'll spare you the mushiness. Watch out world, they pack quite the punch. 

As for myself, I am enjoying a couple days of downtime before gearing up for a long-anticipated month. My petite counterpart and partner in crime is flying up to see me in a little less than a week and we've planned everything down to the last detail. Two days after she leaves, I pack up and fly out for a whole different adventure. Preparation is ninety-five percent through and it's all starting to boil down. Giddy and all his synonymous friends do not even begin to cover how I truly feel. Good days are comin'.  

{ a u g u s t }

Just tell yourself, Duckie,
that you're real quite lucky. 
// Dr. Seuss

Being in the south is always so refreshing. People are chill and friendly (most of the time.) They also have Chick-fil-a and sweet tea--two of life's greatest blessings. Oh yeah, and who could forget Krogers? As the three musketeers set foot into the supermarket, my dad looked at me with this cheeky grin and said one word:

Bluebell.

Needless to say, we bought two bags of ice and a gallon of creamy amazingness home. The plan is to make both cartons last til the end of the year. I'll cry when it's gone. But for now, I'll savor every bite. And if you don't know what Bluebell is, then my heart goes out to you. In fact, I'm crying right now. Please educate yourself.

August was a blast. Welcomed a precious baby girl into the world, reconnected with old faces and met a few new ones, hung out with the bro, and spent much needed quality time with the fam. Summer, I'm gonna miss you.

{ j u l y }

Hey, life goes on.

If you were super observant today, you'd have noticed that I switched out my social media buttons and even added a new one. A new one? Yes, I succumbed and now I have Instragram (surprise). Follow me @itsarielnotoreo where I proceed to brighten your day with multiple selfies that otherwise never see the light of day. Heh. See ya around. xo.