a freshman epiphany

Tell myself that when I finally look back,

I'll think,

Oh my God,

What a life I had.

// Paradise Fears

I had a surreal moment the other day. I don't know how it came about. It may have been because I've been under slight stress lately from seemingly endless (and ungodly) amount of quizzes and assignments (I know what you upperclassmen are thinking. Just wait til after freshmen year, and I'll really start crying). It may have come about from my rather exhausting Mon-Fri commute that is slowly draining the life outta me or perhaps it was the twenty pound creature (yes, I weighed my backpack) I have attached to my back almost every day that's probably gonna come and bite me in the behind when I'm a wrinkled and shriveled sixty-year old and give me severe back problems. Then again, it could have been the countless Special K blueberry breakfast bars devoured and whatever crazy stuff they inject in them or the failure of keeping myself constantly hydrated... I don't know. Perhaps, it was a combination of all these things that led me to that surreal moment.

As I was going into hour four of cracking my biology book at the library, I suddenly realized I was a college kid. And with it, I realized a big, big problem.  

Ever since I was old enough to understand the idea of college, I've always believed I'd be so much more knowledgeable about the world and life in general by the time it came along. I'd always believed that "college" was the beginning of "real life." But now that I'm actually here, the excitement is gone. It's everything and nothing that I expected it to be.

The fact is, most people think that life will start after this-and-that but in the process, they have already missed out on it. Life is the here and now. You don't need to wait after you graduate from high school or college to start life. You don't have to wait for your first real job, the next promotion, your still unknown significant other or a family of your own to start life. The truth is, life is already happening whether you like it or not. You think you're waiting, but time waits for no one. And every time you "wait," you miss out. On incredible opportunities to serve those around you. On enjoying those little things. On literally living in a moment. 

The problem I encountered in my short-lived surrealism was that my "starting" point was marked at college. So many people have asked what I want to do with a biology major and I always tell them that I want to go to medical school. How true that last statement is I can't really say because I'm not even sure if that's what I really want to do. They keep telling us that the medical field takes commitment and with the high competition it has these days, those who fail to commit are the first ones off the list. This, obviously, has been a terrifying thought for a girl who's not even sure yet that she wants to attend medical school. And so, like most people, I turned to the question: What does God want me to do? 

Since college being a "starting" point was out the picture, I turned to a different one. I figured that if I could somehow figure out God's calling, I could just work towards that without a problem. I want so badly for God to just open up the heavens, peer down, and say, "HEY LISTEN UP YOU MORTAL, GO DO THIS AND THAT! THAT IS YOUR ULTIMATE PURPOSE IN LIFE!" You can bet without a shadow of a doubt, I would go do it. No questions asked. Life could begin.

But alas, as we all know, that is not how it is.

My epiphany came two weeks later. A good friend and I were talking about how trusting God and what He has in store for the future go hand in hand with having faith. She's fresh out of college and I'm fresh in college but the question is still the same for the both of us. Coincidentally, I was quite convicted as I sat down to read my devotions in Ephesians 1:16-23 the following week.

The last two verses say, "And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all."

The question thus begs:   As God has “put all things under [Jesus’] feet”, do I give Jesus the authority to be “head over all things” in my life?

To me, turning all authority to Christ meant fully trusting in Him. I love saying things like "Yeah, yeah! Trust God, guys!" to my friends but I often find myself still sitting in the driver's seat, too scared to hand the keys over. Funnily enough, I know that He knows my future and it only makes sense for Him to take charge, but I am still one foot out the door, unable to commit and still waiting for Him to tell me what to do with my life.

Honestly, He has already told me what to do and it is one of the toughest five-lettered words to live out. I need to stop waiting and start living. I need to acknowledge that He is in control, regardless of where I may end up. I am to trust Him fully. Obediently. No questions asked.