from beneath the bed to the head (last friday)

(Note: Apologies for not posting Monday. It's the beginning of a hectic week as this girl struggles and adjusts to her new schedule. College life is good, but really it's only been half a day, so time will tell. As for now, here's what I had planned to post yesterday, which is actually a story from Friday (as part of the title suggests). Thinking of you all as the semester begins. xo)

We stopped checking
 for monsters 
when we realized they were 
inside of us.
// Stephen King

I keep walking. All the good seats by the waterfront have been taken. Couples stroll by hand in hand. Others walk in groups of twos or threes. Still others walk alone, one arm held to the ear, jabbering on their electronic devices. Mostly they come in pairs, but not me. I am alone. Suddenly, I feel self aware as I pass by the occupied benches. I don't know what I'm doing or where exactly I'm going anymore. There are few things I hate more than walking by myself with no direction. It makes me feel strangely vulnerable. I scrap plan A and switch gears. Clenching my fists, I head towards the local Starbucks and order a caramel macchiato. Tall and iced, of course. It is a luxury. Though there are plenty of open seats inside the store, I don't feel comfortable enough to stay. When I need to think, and I mean deeply think about something, I avoid having chatty people in my comfort radius. Some may say it is quintessentially the life of an introvert. For me, it's just a way to get things done. I head back out into the night, drink in hand, and make my way back down to the waterfront, hoping I've bought enough time for the mushy couples to have left their seats. 

I breathe a sigh of relief as I note the empty bench and make a beeline for it. Aside from the couple one bench down, there is no one intruding into my comfort radius. In the introvert's mind, it is heaven.The gears inside my head have not stopped turning since I have left home.

'You grumpy?' Dad had inquired earlier on the drive over.

No, I had wanted to say. Just thinking.

But instead, I had let the silence settle over us.

I am at a lost for words, so I escape into my own reality. There is a demon in my safest haven and I feel uneasy. It is the kind of unsettling one feels when he realizes he might be too late to change his predicament and that everything is about to go downhill from there. The kind of butterflies in your stomach when you've been having nightmares of dreadful scenarios all your life and you realize the possibility of it becoming a reality is too close. There is an internal struggle inside my mind. There always is. It is my deepest and darkest secret, this creature. I can't escape it no matter how much I want to.

The steel beams of the bench dig into my back as I sink lower. There is no moon tonight. Distant skyscrapers in the form of tiny lights dot the night sky and occasionally small ferries drift by. The Starbucks cup stands on the concrete ground, abandoned in the moment. The atmosphere is as thick and heavy as the humidity. The waves are persistent tonight, crashing on shore in short bursts. Every now and then, the shuffling of shoes on cold cement passes behind me. The crickets are loud. I cannot remove this unnerving sensation from my heart. There is a demon in my safest haven and for the first time, I've realized just how dangerous it is and I don't know what to do with it.

I know I am not the only one who feels this way. It is too real to cover up or brush away like a mere thought. It is neither a 'passing phase' in my life nor is it some poetic or pseudo philosophical mush that I can just write down and forget about. It is not something hipsters in cafes have lengthy conversations over. It is not something you bring up in conversations or even heart-to-hearts with your chummy. Things like that you laugh in embarrassment about afterwards. This is too real to joke about. Some will read this and think it ridiculous. It's just a girl who doesn't know what to do with her life. It's just a girl falling off the deep end. Some believe it will pass, others mark her immediately. That's why she stays silent. Because very few acknowledge it. And when they do, they do nothing. And others who fail to recognize this unsightly creature in their own lives will mark her off in their minds. So it returns again and again. And each time it's flight or fight.

The tension in the air is driven and persistent. It hovers over me like a cloud, threatening to pour down any moment. Its effect is slow but draining. The pitter patter of little feet flies by behind me. She giggles gleefully, shattering the monotonous silence. So carefree. I tug at the sleeves of my sweater and brace myself for the breeze. It tosses my hair wildly.

No matter how far I run, it is always there, waiting to surface. It is a hideous creature, lurking in every corner. It begs to be noticed and feeds on attention. As much as I had tried to ignore it, I had often catered to it needs and slowly it began making more regular appearances. It is restless. I am tired of suppressing this grotesque monster, but I have seen the fleeting moments of the world through its beady eyes and it terrifies me. I cannot run anymore, because tonight it finally caught up with me and suddenly, I am tired.

My hand smells like caramel macchiato and for some reason, it reminds me of the airport and everything to do with traveling. The sharpie scrawled on the cup reads 'Erin', a barista's mistake,  and I wonder for a split second what it would be like to live life with a completely different identity. The ice cubes have melted into thin slivers and the drink leaves behind an acidic aftertaste.

Tonight, it was just me and my demon. As I examined it from up close, I was struck by its odd familiarity. It smiled, talked, and laughed in such a homey way, but rarely did it show that side. In its original form, it was innately angry and bitter. It chose to listen and to see what it only wanted to hear and see. It despised and scoffed at others. It loathed what it had and prioritized according to convenience. But most of all, it craved--for the fleeting glitter and the gold, for all eyes to be on it, and for the all those in its world to give it their undivided attention.

It wasn't going to leave, and it never will because that demon is called selfishness. And that selfishness is rooted deeply in me. It mindlessly weaves its ways into life undetected. And I cringe when it surfaces in conversations and daily life. Some days I am so convinced that if people truly knew the real me, nobody, and I mean nobody would want anything to do with me. In short, I am the monster I've been running from. And even though I've tried to deny its existence, I am always fighting inside. The struggle is real and I've realized it costs too much to let my guard down. How is it the monsters lurking from beneath the bed have come to live inside our heads now? Lord knows.

I've found, however, that though it may not leave, it can be controlled. And what a relief to feel it shrink with every right choice I make. The choice to look at others before myself. The choice to prioritize their needs before my wants. The choice to put me in the back seat. The choice to stop for a second and to notice the opportunities to serve like Christ did. The choice to look with His eyes and be His hands and His feet.

It's been a little over two hours since I've sat down on the bench. The ice cubes have all melted, diluting the drink. But tonight I stared it in the eyes and emerged the victor. I know without a doubt it will return and some days, it might even dare to surface, but tonight, I took myself off the pedestal and bid my demon goodbye.