Imperfectly So

you know often I post content on this blog that may deceive people into believing for a split second that my life is jolly and grand. I write about how I am blessed, like how I ranted on and on and on and on about in my last post. gawd, would somebody make her stop? let me clarify. I am blessed, but I dare only to label myself so after crawling through every circumstance, scrutinizing my every move, and squinting, straining to see the silver lining in things and coming out alive.

barely. alive.

sometimes silver linings don’t exist. is my life really all that jolly and grand? is my little circle of family and friends as perfect as I make them to be? after all the stuff I write on the blog to make people believe so, I’m tempted to believe the same myself. the harsh reality is on the other side of the screen sits a girl, bruised and bloodied, just like every other human being on the planet. and today, she realized even heroes cry.

the screen slips from focus as the tears sting and blind.

I often stress the unexplained emotion over the tangible. I say this because feeling places something that you can’t with words. it captivates the soul and spirit, the core essence of a place, event, person, etc. much more than any letters strewn together on the planet can. sometimes words escape even the most articulate and the eloquent, but the feeling? it never leaves.

the gut-wrenching sobs ended as quickly as it began. if only they could see, then they’d understand. but nobody ever will, because the toughest battles are always internal. at that moment, I wanted to curse everyone that had ever hurt us. the tears stung. how dare they criticize and judge. how dare they talk behind our backs and pretend to know who we are. how dare they act so selfishly. how dare they ask for help only to throw us aside. how dare they be so insensitive and uncaring. how dare they. the sobs subsided, but still I wrestled. I wanted to fight a battle that wasn't mine to begin with. I wanted to make them see. I wanted to let them taste just how hard it was to be us. 

they say never to judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. that lesson was brought to life today and I swear those four walls bore witness. they hide the secrets from everybody else on the outside. no one knows because they've never tried. they don't know because they're not us. they don't know because they can't see and they never will. my mother used to say in Chinese, "it's hard to be human." you make yourself miserable when you try to make everyone happy. 

the episode was dismissed quietly and I knew it would never be brought up again, but I had seen the crack and I felt vulnerable. what did I know about life? today, it was us versus the world, but it was then I realized, I wouldn't trade sides for anything or anyone.