[Always] A Work In Progress

I've always found the idea of God writing our individual stories so fascinating, but sometimes I catch myself wondering if that's the only way. people like to say, "aren't we free?! don't we make our own choices?!" yeah, we do. and thankfully we do, because we'd be robots otherwise, doomed to follow a mapped out route for the rest of our lives. how dreadful would that be?

I think the proper way to ask the question isn't about whether the way God has paved for us is the only way, but the fact that it's the best way. why would you choose to settle for anything less? we're just so short-sighted we can't look past the curve in the road. maybe we should stop praying for God to show us the bigger picture. if we could actually see everything, I think we'd be screaming and running for the hills. or for some of those smart alecks, we'd say "oh please, I can handle that" and throw God in the backseat. 

we're humans, what can I say..

I've been sitting on pins and needles for the past few months, because I'm a big sucker for having to know my life down to the smallest detail. and, of course, the past few months have been, well, exactly the opposite. sending out my applications has been a hair-pulling, teeth-grinding, face-palming, and sweat-breaking process. there are some people who are like, "ah who cares? it's just school." gawd, I wish I could say that, but no. I love surprises, but suspense? suspense KILLS me. having no control over my future is terrifying, to be honest. 

I've stared at the Microsoft Word document for hours, pondering over each word and wondering if I've used proper diction and syntax. I've scrunched my eyebrows in every which way possible, trying to put myself in the shoes of an admissions counselor. what do they see when they read this essay? a girl who tries too hard? a girl who doesn't try hard enough? I've stayed up regretting about not taking whichever class or not working hard enough in my freshmen and sophomore year.  I've opened the emails back from my essay critique-rs eagerly only to cringe at the brutal slaughter (but for the record, I am very grateful for each of their feedback!) I've bugged my poor friend, who's a freshmen in college, to death about the application process. I've chewed my unfortunate bottom lip, pens, and too much unhealthy unmentionables to imagine. I've ranted to my unlucky friends about my anxiety..I've done all these things, somehow trying to convince myself that it'll better my chances of making my plans come true.

what can I say, I worry to death about the things I have no control over.. don't we all? I know God has a great plan for my life, but I still fret that it won't match up with my plans. yep, it's as about ridiculous as it sounds. how can my plans ever come close to what He has in store for me?

ironically, I've been teaching the kids at church to memorize 1 Peter 5:7:

"Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you."

I ought to hang a sign around my neck that reads: "CAUTION: WORK IN PROGRESS." I'm exhausted and I predict the next few months will be nothing but a game of pins and needles. think that's enough on my plate. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. I don't think I'll ever be ready to take the leap. I will be plucked right up and dropped in. sink or swim, that's up to me. all I need to know is that I'll be okay.