Thrive

so I've been inconsistent with my posts. I sincerely apologize. this whole senior year thing is currently an organized mess. picture a desk cluttered with loose papers filled with chicken scratches, books stacked in all shapes and sizes waiting to be read, stray pens/pencils/erasers scattered all over the surface, and drawers overflowing with useless junk. now picture your mother coming in and berating you for such a mess and leaving with a warning that the mess better be gone by the time she returns. you actually need everything on your table on the moment, but it's a mess. so what do you do? you stack the books from biggest to smallest, shuffle through the loose papers and line them up by the pile of books, and then arrange all your writing utensils in a neat little row. the mess is still there but now it's organized. that's basically my brain.

it's been a lot of stressing about schools, school work, and applications. on top of that, I just looovve fretting about the things I have absolutely no control over. story of my life.

I would've never agreed with myself a year ago about this but I do enjoy school. (nerrrrd). it's not really because I love school work per se, but I'd rather do school work than have absolutely nothing to do. I need to be busy. not like, head-exploding busy, but busy. gawd, I hate abhor having nothing to do. it drives me nutters.

and as if I spoke waay to soon, I found out today that I'll need to have a draft for a research paper turned in two weeks, and toss in my two-pence for a team project that calculates a large chunk of my final grade. what was I saying about having nothing to do? yeah scratch that. senior year, you're going down.

on that note, so far so good.

<cue beginning of major off-topic side note>

 I'm taking APLANG this year and oh. my. goodness. it's got me paranoid even though I enjoy writing here and there. don't get me wrong, the class is amazing, the teacher is a Batman fanatic, which automatically gives him +83947272 pts in my book, the work is definitely a tad challenging, buuuuuuut GOSH. I can no longer write a sentence without pondering over it for infinite minutes, wondering what kind of heinous writing crime I've committed.

I know, this blog is full of grammatical errors. it makes all you grammar nazis cringe. for one thing, I don't even capitalize properly. what's up with that?! let's set the record straight. this blog (and the majority of most blogs) = informal writing. hence everything you see here is basically me breaking every writing and grammar rule possible. why not capitalize the beginning of my sentences? I'm going to get killed for this but in all honesty, I don't feel like it. I know, it's extremely lame and I swear it's not a laziness issue. See? I can prove it. It's not hard. I simply don't want to. I refuse to apologize for that.

<cue ending  of major off-topic side note>

anyway.

this sounds strange but I've been thinking (uh oh) and as much as I love being busy with school sometimes half the battle is rolling out of bed each morning. it's not a I'm-too-tired issue, it's more like why-am-I-doing-this issue. unfortunately, my motivation is not over 9000. it is in fact, on a scale of 1 to 100 (1 being the lowest and 100 being the highest) a whopping -15.

sometimes though, it doesn't matter whether your motivation is in the negatives, you just hafta do it. lately, my life has sorta become about learning to do the things I need to do even when I feel like crud and just want to curl up in bed and disappear. maybe for a few years. maybe for the rest of my life.

but who the heck wants to live life like that?

I admit it can become an awful lot like a boring old routine when you force yourself to do the things you feel so disconnected to. I looked square at my mum the other day and asked why in the world I was doing what I was doing. you go to school basically the first one-third of your life. you get a degree in whatever, you graduate, and then you're out in the world, working some job that you may or may not like, good for you. so what? why does that picture just sound so wrong?

my mum just looked at me and smiled with a simple reply:

"don't forget to live"

mother knows best, right? I don't think I could've said it better myself. lately, it's like I've stepped into a box and fooled myself into thinking that I know what's going to happen to me every step of the way, every nifty turn in the road. I'm so set on the destination that I've forgotten that life isn't about that. yeah, you know what's coming, right? life's about the journey. to savor every little step you make, taste every salty tear, feel every black and blue... what a cliche thing to say, but until you actually get to the point yourself, it's hard to explain the feeling.

I need to be reminded to live. what's that line about thriving that Jon Foreman sings about? oh yeah.

I wanna thrive, not just survive.