That Was Then, This Is Now

I'm sitting here in between the solidity of pink and orange recalling how far I've come. the SAT book has long been abandoned in the corner--filled with chicken scratches and big, loopy letters. Ed Sheeran's voice croons quietly back at the noisy clacking of my fingers hitting the keys. the mug of iced tea on top of the stack of books reminds me what I'm doing here again...

seeing how far I've come and how far I've still yet to go stirs such mixed emotions. kind of like when you're not sure whether you should cry or laugh so you end up like those mothers who cry at weddings and graduations. and it's like "Mum, why are you crying? this is totally a happy occasion" and all they say is something along the lines of "because... <sob>...I'm...just...so... <sob> happy...for you...<sniff>" it makes no sense and yet it does all at the same time. yeah, that's the best analogy I can draw to this.

I can't help but smile when I look through all the crazy amount of Facebook pictures not because I looked so strange then (though that is part of the reason) but because I vividly remember so much of what I was going through at the time. I kind of see somebody else when I look at those pictures. I guess what I mean to say is that I have changed a lot--some intentionally and a whole lot unintentionally. if I had to describe myself in a couple words four, three, two, maybe even one year ago, I would say this: insecure, easily intimidated, sensitive, painfully shy, and lost. not sure what attributed to all this and I won't say it's because I'm homeschooled because to be honest, there are plenty "shy" public schoolers out there too, but I was just that kid who had difficulty expressing herself anytime, anywhere. one would never use the word "confident" to describe me then. not sure if people would use that to describe me even now... but I'm working on it!

the interesting thing was I didn't have trouble making friends or anything; the trouble came whenever I had to speak my opinions on anything. my oh my, it took so much courage to even give a little bit of opinion. most of the time, I would just go with the flow or the "common consensus". after awhile I gave up having an opinion on anything, partially because nobody bothered to ask and partially because I figured nobody actually cared what I did have to say. my mother noticed this in me and so she would frequently scold me for going with the flow when I really should've been taking a stand by myself. the only problem with that was that my dear mum, bless her heart, didn't exactly know what was going on with me and why I would just go with the majority of opinions instead of forming my own. all she could see was her daughter with legs of jelly, swaying to and fro with the public opinion. at that time, I didn't really know why I did it too. I do believe now, most of the time I did it was because I really did agree with what everybody else had to say, but I just never said anything so my mum assumed it was just me tagging along with the status quo. and if I didn't agree with what was going on, I still tagged along because, as I said before, I never could muster the guts to speak up.

course I've shed a lot of that insecurity and grown by leaps (if I do say so myself) since those days. it makes me laugh trying to imagine what the past me would have felt just meeting the me now. looking back now, I think being around people and having people there to walk me through parts of middle school all the way to now has proved to be such a vital thing and I really thank God for it. and not only did He place people around me but people who genuinely cared for me on a spiritual aspect and taught me by example. I think that environment pulled me out of my shell little by little and I was able to open up enough to let people see a different side of me, one I had not dared to show before even to myself.

2008. HAHAHA. no idea what's going on in this picture. 

2009

April 2010. yeah, I asked my mother to cut an inch of my hair and she cut three. oops.

May 2011. then I morphed into a baoooossss. yeeah. like a G6.

June 2011. 

June 2012.

yes, it's been quite a trying journey for me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. and like I said, I've still a ways to go but man just holding my breath and wondering where life will take me four or five more years down the road is enough to keep me on my toes. here's to the little things that we've did and thought nobody would see but turned out to bless us abundantly! here's to the ugly hindrances, trials and tribulations that have taught me to persevere! here's to the future and all it's uncertainties! and here's to change and wholeheartedly embracing it! Lord knows what I'll encounter on this dirt path but where it's His will, there's most certainly a way. cheers. xoxo.