Back Under The Sea

the trip has officially come to a close and I'm sitting here just trying to recollect my thoughts. if you're reading this, I'm guessing that you think that now would be the time where I would explain all that I've learned, what I've liked about this trip, what I didn't like about it, what things I did etc, right?

mm.


I guess.

to be honest, throughout the course of this month, I kept telling myself that there was no way I would be able to even scratch the surface of capturing the core of this trip. does that make sense? I mean, some things you just have to be there for. it's a matter of feeling and not really something you can put into words. and now that I'm back home, it feels soo long ago, almost like a dream. but when I was there it was all so real and now I'm trying for the life of me to remember what that felt like.

I suppose I should start with all the things I've learned about myself throughout the entirety of this trip. maan, where do I even begin with this one... I guess, the biggie would be learning to be honest and open with others. thanks to my high S personality (I'll get to that in a minute), I have a tendency to keep things to myself and find it incredibly difficult to tell anybody (even close friends) anything. I've always envied the one who could walk into a roomful of people and make conversation with a stranger as easy as talking to a longtime buddy. it just doesn't happen for me. there's always a part of me that screams "no no no!" whenever I attempt to tell anybody what's going on inside. not sure why that happens. perhaps I'm afraid that whatever I say will come out wrong and somehow it will skewer the balance of the universe forever. wow, that was dramatic but who knows... I surprised myself on this whole being-honest-to-somebody thing over the course of the month and it has proved to be such a blessing and significance.

one moment of this said significance in particular happened on the last official night of the trip. I had been feeling unwell so I was given permission to lay out under the stars (or lack thereof) for a breath of fresh air, accompanied by one of our dear leaders, Eunice. we both lamented at how we had wanted this precious moment so bad and of course, we had gotten to it on the last day. nevertheless, I don't think I will ever forget that talk. somehow one thing lead to another, and I found myself sharing things with her that I hadn't really plucked up the courage to tell anybody else before. I can't really say what we talked about here, but I suppose it doesn't matter that much. just the fact that I could spill out my heart to somebody that was genuinely willing to stop whatever she was doing and WANT to know me better and listen to me rant will no doubt stick with me for a lifetime.

actually there were many moments on this trip that will probably stick with me for a lifetime. things that, like I said, are much better off felt rather than explained. how does one even begin to put into words all the memories and lessons made in a month and the people you've met and the encounters you've had with each of them... how can one understand what it was like to hear the kids roar for a story or sing on top of their lungs and see the grins plastered across their faces without being there? how can one place a finger on the anxiety and excitement of all the preparation and prayer that went into each lesson every night? how can one possibly begin to understand the joy and sensation from seeing all the familiar faces together, packed in one stinky and sweaty hotel room, laughing, crying and sharing from the bottom of their hearts? or listening to the sound of united voices, raised in worship to the King? how can you explain the feeling of walking around a dimly lit neighborhood, singing songs on top of your lungs and having the time of your life? or the look of an expectant child, addressing you by "miss" or "teacher"? or walking into a packed room of kids, the energy so high you could slice right through it with a knife? how do you explain the sobering sensation of listening to a heart's cry in their struggle and seeing the tears fall? and what about the fact that a group of twenty-three had come as strangers and left as family? 

I recall a few days before coming back, feeling a sense of sadness yet excitement. on one hand, I didn't want it all to end yet but on another I knew I had to be recharged. coming home, I've already found myself sinking into reality quicker than ever. it's not a bad thing, just a very well... real thing. the past month has been like sucking in a big, long-awaited breath of sweet, fresh air and coming home has proved to be me diving straight back into the deep waters of life, ready to explore some more and totally unsure but waay more prepared for whatever lies ahead. it's like what we've been concluding for every CI we've taught: the real journey starts when you step back into reality. it's when you return home and the problems come rushing at you once again. the question is what choice will you make? step away or face it head-on? you've got one life to live. don't waste it.

though the past month will no doubt always be close to my heart, it feels good to be home.


real good.


all glory to God.


soli deo gloria.