A Wake Up Call and Confession

winter has come back again, feels like the season won't end. my faith is dying tonight and I won't try to pretend that I've got it all figured out... I've got a busted heart, I need You now. 

I'd like to believe that I'm living. really living. and by living I don't mean breath followed by breath and coasting through the hum drums of life mindlessly. no sirree. I want to really live, hunt down every wrong and banal mindset I have about life and dispose each and every one of them to fine dust. I want to stare apathy and mundane into the eyes and tell them to beat it. I'm tired of rolling out of bed everyday and repeating all the same things I did for the day before and the day before that and the day before that: get up. eat. try to stay alive and awake through the whole day. eat. set up station in man cave of books. eat. shower. get to bed. repeat.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired of being tired. feeling apathetic makes me wanna smash a glass. how many times have we all heard that phrase or idea, "we've got one life to live and we got to do it right"? perhaps if we all got a penny for every time we've been told that we'd no doubt be rolling in an avalanche of loose change.

maybe things have always stayed the same because I thought I was honestly satisfied with where I was. change doesn't happen until you come to the point where you realize you REALLY want to need it. you need it to the point where there's no way out and suddenly it becomes the only solution. but then you realize there's a catch to this. who says change was ever easy? I'm fairly certain the main reason people fear, and possibly hate, change is because it's never a said and done deal. these things take time and not only that, change on your own seems practically impossible. so, you get entangled in a bunch of frustrations because you realize (again) that your efforts fall short and the whole change thing eludes you even when you attempt to make it happen. what now?

I am ashamed to admit that when I sit in church services, only half of what is being said goes through one ear and STAYS. I don't mean I'm dozing off while the speaker goes on and on, I mean it in the sense that I remember to truly live out the Gospel wherever I go. like whether I'm going through my ridiculous stack of books or teaching the little ones in Sunday School or even taking a run to the grocery store. have you ever had a time where you've looked for something high and low only to realize that what you were looking for was right under your nose the whole entire time? well, story of my life for sure.

in some ways, it wasn't that I forgot that I could call on Him to help me change. no... now that I think about it, it wasn't even that. the whole mindset that I could ask for help but I didn't have to somehow snuck into my mind and made itself at home. I made God an option, an alternative and heck, maybe even my back-up plan. if my way didn't work out, then maybe I'd go ask Him to help, but MY way first. maybe honestly I didn't want to ask Him for help because I knew how He was going to do it, and I most certainly didn't want it that way. couldn't see past the pain to the end result, but mostly just the pride blinded me. the more I was sure I could fix myself, the harder it was for me to put things into perspective and let Him take the wheel. and so the vicious cycle continued. I'd get up, tired of everything, trudge through the motions, try every option that would keep me going except for the One that would actually keep me going. hit the bed exhausted. repeat.

I am the wandering son. enough is never enough. I keep chasing the wind instead of Your love... I've got a busted heart. I'm in need of change, yeah, I'm desperate for grace.

I guess one morning I woke up and didn't feel like getting out of bed anymore. somewhere along the road of trying to rejuvenate myself, I had lost all sense of direction and purpose and now I was further away than I was when I first started. you know the story of the prodigal son. remember when he was in the pig pen, stealing (or trying to) the pig feed? remember what the passage said for his turning point?

"When he came to his senses..."

AH. let me just say that it's a funny feeling when you realize that all those discussions and messages in Sunday School and never-ending sermons about the prodigal son were really about you all along. okay, maybe it's really not that funny. when you finally figure it out, all you can do is utter a noise that echoes that of a wounded animal mixed with a mortified gulp, but at the same time you can finally sigh and just feel relieved to have come to terms with your predicament because now a prescription can be given.

"...he said, 'How many of my father's hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!' " (Luke 15:17)

how much easier and less painful it would have been if I had just run to Him first. if only I had just given Him the pen, taken a back seat and trusted Him... if only I had stopped running back to the old and embraced the new... if this, if that. makes me wonder when I will finally learn. no doubt, a slice of humble pie wouldn't hurt once in awhile.

change is a process. sometimes it's a lifelong thing. change brings things that are oh-so different and frankly can be quite painful at times. on some days, I'll wake up and feel indifferent than I did the day before. life can still be dull and plod on like that of a frisky robot, but when I embrace the new life that Christ has already given me, things get put into perspective. even if it makes my knees black and blue, I know I'll be better off than I was before.


winter will come to an end. soon this season will end. 

"¹⁰ But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹ If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. ¹² So then, brothers,  we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. ¹⁴ For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. ¹⁵ For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” ¹⁶  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,¹⁷ and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." --Romans 8:10-17 (ESV)

I'll surrender tonight. You meet me where I am.