This Madness

...why do I do what I don't want to do when I don't do the things that I know I really should do? I'm a walking contradiction of the things that I do and things that I say believe...

my mind is blanking. sometimes I need chocolate. sometimes I need an epiphany. I usually end up with neither. sometimes I set out deadlines because I believe from the bottom of my heart they're meant to do good, not harm. just like how Obi-Wan believed Anakin was supposed to bring balance to the force, not join the dark side. deadlines sever the imagination.
sometimes I go through strange phases, like typing with CAPS and using proper grammar. sumtymz im 2 lazy 2 spell or gt mi grammer rite. on some days, I wish I didn't know the things I do. I think I need a serious break, but being me, the option exists only in my mind, not because I choose so, but because it is so. there's always something more satisfying knowing that you gave it your best shot as opposed to a sloppy job and a better reward. sometimes I want to believe erasing everything and starting over would be a nice alternative. on other days, 'happy ever afters' just don't cut it. sometimes enough is never. sometimes when you're in a heated discussion, you already know in your mind who's going to win, and it's not you. I believe the best way to vent is to write a letter addressed to the source of rage, passionately deliver all you'd like to say, make a cozy bonfire and burn said letter up, all courtesy of Abe Lincoln. I need to carry on what I started. what I need now is an ounce of courage and a truckload of motivation for getting up each morning, for why I do whatever I do, for taking on what needs to be done and finishing strong, for taking the bull by the horns and looking at it dead-on, for climbing the next mountain, for chasing the monsters under the bed and the ghosts beneath the stairwells out, for saying 'yes' to what's next and turning a deaf ear to past regrets. nope, no regrets. not anymore.