for one of those days

Hello to my dearest friends who have not abandoned this blog just yet. I know it may seem like I haven't been writing a lot lately. Well, as predicted, I find myself in a stage of life that operates on busy. The truth is, I am constantly writing on here; I just never get around to clicking the "publish" button, because my thoughts are so unfiltered and raw that I'm afraid of what people will think. The dangers about blogging or really anything that requires creating and posting content about yourself is that you can fine tune however much you like. The line between creative liberty, (if one can call it that) and reality is often blurred. I had absolutely no intention of posting this simply because I don't like the idea of revealing too much about myself to just anyone, but if I've learned anything in my lifetime, we all fall. Even though that's something I intuitively know, I have trouble believing it. We live in a society where we are plagued by the perception of perfection and to be anything else would be a heinous crime. But then once in awhile, I glimpse the tiny slip of imperfection--the cold honesty that cries for help and then I realize "Oh hey, you too? Let's walk through this thing we call life together hand in hand, step by step." & so my hope, dearest friend, is that with this letter/post, you can feel the same way. I know it's long, so it's best read when you've got a moment to unwind. Much love, A. 

Dear weary self,

You're having one of those days, huh? A day where your streak of productivity has abruptly come to a halt and you've read and reread the same words in the same textbook countless times and nothing is clicking and then you go to lecture and spend an hour and twenty minutes spacing out and nodding off because you can barely keep your eyes open. Not even the giant cup of coffee you bought is helping. Going to bed at one in the morning was probably a bad idea. But who knew the fire alarm was going to go off at two in the morning and you'd be standing outside in your pajamas in what felt like subzero weather thinking it was all a dream?

Today is literally the WORST day to have one of those days because it was the day you decided to get everything checked off the list. Now you begin to wonder if perhaps today will the be inevitable nudge on the first domino when you start to drown in school and well, life. Speaking of life, somehow it has somehow rapidly become a giant to-do list and each little check mark indicates the level of your self-esteem, but at the end of the day, there are still too many things still unchecked and your self-esteem lies in shreds on the floor. You often feel physically nauseous from the stress and sometimes, you've had to zone out lectures just to get everything to stay down. When people ask how you are, you always respond with a "good" or "fine" because saying these words out loud make you sound convincing, and you believe yourself too, even for just a split second.

None of this sounds healthy because, well, it probably isn't. But somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind, you believe that saying things enough times will somehow bring your words to life. Silly and ridiculous, but the mind will believe what it wants.

To be honest, this isn't just about the to-do's. It's more than that.

It's always been more than that.

It's the fear that you're still not capable of what you want in life and that you're convinced you care too much the inconsequential but not enough about the right things. How is it that some people have it all together? You think it's just on the surface, but then even on the surface, you can barely get it together. You look at yourself and all you see are the frayed edges and loose threads that always peek out and you look awfully disheveled on the outside and inside.

But that's not all.

It's a fear of what people think of you and fear of abandonment. Loneliness is a real disease and self-pity?  It eats you alive. You're so insecure you probably won't hit the "publish" button after you're done typing because if someone actually reads every single word of this post, they'd see a different you and you're terrified of what you can't control.

It's the disillusionment of seeing somebody up close and then realizing they're not who you imagined to be. And then taking it a whole step further, you wonder if that's how people see you on a regular basis. If you label people in your mind, do they label you in theirs? Who are you to them? Are they disappointed by what they see in you?

It's the fact that you refuse to set goals that you're afraid you'll never reach because you know you won't be able to execute said goals perfectly. It's the fact that however many times you've convinced yourself that you won't buy into society's dirty little secrets, you still end up chasing the wind and feeling it knock the breath out of you. It's the realization that talk of thick skin is overrated because no matter what brave face you choose to put on for the day, it all hits too close to home.

These issues may seem unrelated but you couldn't be more wrong because when you peel back the layers one by one, you see it all bound to the heart and what it values most.

That's silly, you say. All of this is ridiculous and inconsequential. Who would care? You're convinced no one cares but the mind will believe what it wants to believe.

You know what's funny? The other day, you met someone new and she spoke of never measuring up and never making it. That voice was so familiar. The voice of insecurity, fueled by its close companion, comparison. You would know. You would. That voice resonated with you because you related so much. But without missing a beat, you tell her to stop comparing herself to everybody else and just focus on herself because that's the way to the top. Stop focusing on what you're not but what you could be, you say. It was so cliché you felt ridiculous for even saying it, but then she replied with a whisper:

Thank you. I needed to hear that. 

The funny thing is, I think that's what you needed to hear.

This turn of the page to the next chapter of life is suddenly making you aware that you are neither who you imagined you'd be in this decade nor are you satisfied with your predicament. As a matter of fact, you utterly despise who you are. I know. Saying that out loud kinda hurts. But hear me out, haven't you learned anything by now? Isn't it about time we changed that? I know, you're still scared of all the things you can't see. But living life in fear of what you don't know makes every little shadow a monster. Turn the corner and see that it's all dust--a figment of your imagination.

But wait! you say, The mind will believe what it wants to believe!

Listen, weary self, don't you think it's time to put that fallacy to rest? For good?

That's all very well, you say, but then what? If I let go of my fears, what will I hold on to? 

The next step is if you want to declutter your mind, (which sounds so New Age-esque but I promise that's not the direction I'm taking here), you need to replace it with something else. All these fears and insecurities need to go, but something needs to fill it. Junk out. Good in. I think you're often discouraged because you feel like you haven't been growing much but you have. Tiny little baby steps and they always happen when you fill yourself with more of HIM. None of the supplements mind you. Not the sermons, the worship music, the fellowship. Those are all wonderful things, but you've been feeding off of those for so long when in reality, you need the real deal. Keep feasting on God. Keep your eyes trained on HIM. Be thirsty and not by the world's definition. Fill up at His well and drink in HIS goodness. Need HIM every passing day, hour, second. Make HIM the one you run to and find rest in.

Yes. Sweet rest.

Real rest. You turn it all in at HIS feet. Everything. Even one of those days. Especially, one of those days.

Press on,

A