It's been a few hectic weeks with finals plaguing my schedule, Dad in the hospital again, and various other stress-inducing factors, but I just thought I'd take a moment to talk about something that's been on my mind since last week.
Think about that one person (or several) in your life that you call up immediately whenever you're dying to spill an interesting story or an eventful day to. No context or explanation necessary. You just tell them and you know deep down that they just get it. She (or he) is the one you text when you have a hilariously awkward story you're just itching to tell. She's the one you gripe to when life decides you're not going to get what you want. She's the one you text at two in the morning because you're overwhelmed and need someone who'll listen while you just cry. She's the one you ask whether or not to buy something because you know she's such an enabler and will help you justify why that one ridiculously overpriced item is something you need not want.
You know who I'm talking about. To the guys, I'm sorry if these scenarios didn't quite apply to you, but I think you get the idea. (I have naught a clue what boys do with their closest buddies other than host LAN parties, and.. uh, bro around. I mean, that is what guys do, right?)
If you are actually thinking of that one person, then be thankful. It's not everyday you find a person like that to share life with. My friend mentioned in passing that making new friendships was such hard work. I didn't get it then. Hard work? What's so difficult about maintaining friendships?
But I get it now. It's not so much about meeting people, he said. It's about keeping up with them. It's about getting past the initial "how are you's" and whatnot. I've realized I've become awfully wary of meeting new people and then making an effort to keep it up with them. As my dear friend, A, said, it's exhausting to invest time and effort into a friendship when the other person isn't even trying.
I used to be jealous of the one who could walk into a room full of strangers and spill out her entire life story to any single individual. The one who wears the heart on her sleeve.
I am the exact opposite. I gracefully (or not so gracefully) dodge and deflect all the questions towards the others in the conversation. Even the very question of how I am doing causes me to cringe. It doesn't mater if it's a room of strangers or a with a close friend. I may dig deep, trying to invest my time into others, but when it comes to me, I clam up.
Strangely enough, I could never explain why. It wasn't so much a trust issue, that much I knew. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had the vague idea of it being vulnerable but it wasn't until last night while talking to A it all clicked.
It's less about a matter of trust. In fact, there is very little to do with that. When you choose to divulge your innermost thoughts (no matter how insignificant or important) to someone, you are sharing an intimate part of yourself. It is like having a literal piece of you being given to another. Your biggest fear isn't that they share it with someone else. It's not even the fact that they may choose to walk out of your life even after you've invested so much time into the relationship, carrying all those precious pieces with them. No, far worse than that. Your biggest fear is that they do absolutely nothing with this precious piece in their possession. That they just don't see the value or worth in what you've told them. That they just. Don't. Care.
That, above all, is the worst.
I guess this is the fine line that divides people from being just friends and close friends. Friendship is when two people are equally invested into a relationship, never giving a thought to what it costs them. It's because you care too much about the other person to care about your personal gain.
It made me immensely grateful for the handful of people I can turn to when I need a shoulder to lean on. They are so hard to come by, especially in this day and age where superficiality seems to be gaining the upper hand in defining relationships.
Anyway. Just some food for thought. In other beautiful news, it's the start of dreadful finals. Good riddance, Facebook. Honestly, should've gotten rid of Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter too, but Lord knows I still need some social media in my life to keep myself sane. Prayers go out to ya'll suffering in the same boat. It's the home stretch, baby! If you need me, I'll be living the hermit life at the library. Tea, coffee, sugary substances are more than welcome if you should so swing by.
Alright.
The books await.
Let's do this.
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