A Process

My mother is probably one of the most quirky and hilarious people I know, but often that side is concealed to the public eye. A bummer, because I probably love that side about her the most. To give you an idea of her quirkiness, I remember there was this one time when she called me up on the house phone and asked me to do something for her. I did not hesitate to oblige her, though I had no idea that she had even left the house. A quick peek out the window revealed the van still parked in its spot. Puzzled, I asked where she was. She chuckled and told me she was in the master bedroom closet (where she often seeks solace and makes all her lengthy phone calls). I was mortified and amused all at once.

That being said, I wasn't entirely surprised when my mother headed out to church the other night and called me only a mere five minutes upon leaving. It wasn't like I hadn't seen her all day. In fact, we had spend the morning out running errands together. She usually called to remind me to drink more water or eat my vitamins. You know, very motherly reminders. That night however, I had volunteered to peel and chop up a few potatoes and carrots for the curry she was planning to bring to a church event the next day. Because she had left in her usual I'm-five-minutes-behind-again hustle, I was sure that she had called to tell me about how she wanted me to quarter the onions. However, upon picking up the phone she simply told me to put the phone on speaker so I could chop while she talked. I obliged her and wondered what she was about to get into.

Silence. And then, "I noticed you seem a lot more relaxed now that you've decided on a school."

What? Where did that come from? With moms you always have to prepared. They chuck their thoughts on you without so much of a warning. We proceeded to have a 15-minute talk about my major. A topic that has been every conversation-starter since I've decided on my school. Normally, I wouldn't mind the questions, but if I don't have an answer.. well, it frustrates me when I don't have an answer. So instead, I blink at these curious questionees and activate my automated reply. They're always the same three words:

I don't know.

There I said it. I don't know what I want to do. Gosh, does anyone really? I know, you might be thinking, "Geez girl, I know what I want to do already. Just because you don't doesn't mean you have to group us all into the same circle." My apologies. I sincerely applaud you if you have the rest of your life mapped out.. heck, I'd give you a standing ovation if you already have the next few years down to every detail. Good for you. Really.

But that's not the case for me. Nor is it the case for most people I know.

When I was seven years old, I thought to myself I had all the time in the world to decide what I wanted to be. I was excited for the future because I thought that at some certain age I would know EXACTLY what I was doing, but as I grew up, I realized that was hardly the case. Junior year of high school, I continued to assure myself I would figure it out. Now it's senior year, and I'm telling myself I'll know by the time I graduate college.

I'll admit it: I'm scared. Scared that I'll waste four years of my time, effort, and money into some institution only to discover I don't want to make my career out of this, or that it somehow doesn't work out, or that I'm incapable of making good grades or studying hard enough or being "smart enough." (Yes, I know. Smarts have nothing to do with it. It's about being diligent and applying yourself, but I'm also afraid of a lack of motivation to do so.)

You know what people have been telling me? "Don't worry, if it's what God wants you to do, then it'll be okay." I know they mean well when they say it, but honestly, I don't feel any more reassured than before. Not even in the slightest bit. I already know that. I already know that if it's "what God wants me to do" then everything will turn out dandy. But what I don't know is what it is that God wants me to do. That is what makes the future so terrifying. That is what makes trust so terrifying. That is what's been keeping me up at night. That is what I constantly find myself thinking about even when I don't want to.

Over the years, I've become more keenly aware of how there is no "cheat sheet" in discovering God's will. What does He want me to do? How do I know if I'm doing what He wants me to do? I wish I had a conclusion to give, but I am empty-handed because I am in the process. I am not qualified to give an answer because, like so many of you, I am still on the quest. All I can say is trust Him. Hold tight for the ride of your life and get ready to be awed by what it is He has in store for you. Here's to all my dear friends who are also seeking, waiting, and listening. This is what God has to say; it is a sliver of hope He gave me this morning and one that I cling to:

"Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine." (Isaiah 43:1b)

How incredible to be called His. Fear not.