From One I to Another

Last year, when it seemed like the majority of my friends, who had all applied with early decisions to some Ivy League or top-notch university, were gleefully posting statuses about their acceptances into these said schools and getting statuses liked in the triple digits (quite literally), I looked at myself and thought, "Gosh Ariel, why couldn't that have been you?" Granted, I was a little jealous, but mostly I felt inadequate. Incompetent. Incapable. All those I's. I thought about grades, GPA, transcripts, AP classes, killer admission essays, and I drowned. Resurfacing, the pain was still there. It stung. I just felt unable to measure up. Measure up to what? I don't even know.

I put it behind me and made a point to move on. Or so I thought.

Two weeks ago, a friend of my mother's asked which school I had decided on. When I told her I had made the decision to attend the state university, she remarked to my mother in a chipper tone, "Well, at least it's closer to home! That's wonderful!" I beamed. Finally someone understood. Then, with the same chipper attitude, she turned and smiled at me, "Full scholarship, right?" My bubble burst. No, miss, I wanted to say, no scholarship. Does it really matter? The question hadn't been asked in a demeaning or judgmental tone, but without warning, inadequacy crept in again.

A big part of me hopes that one day after school (and by that I mean all forms of school whether it's college or grad) is officially over and done with, people will never ask about your GPA or what you made in your Calc class. I will be so glad to put it all behind. Honestly. But that's not even the point. Comparison, I once read, is the thief of joy. Its companion is inadequacy and together they wreak havoc on your already average life. 

A friend posted on Facebook in a jest about how because so many of his friends got into Ivy Leagues, there needed to be a balance between "amazing people and normal people", and somehow he qualified as the latter. I cringed when I read that. Even though it was purely meant for laughs, the idea behind it hit home. 

I am swallowing my pride as I write this, because I honestly only know six or seven people that read my blog, but my stats page say otherwise. It always feels a little vulnerable to put yourself out there, but it's a risk I'm willing to take if it helps anybody know that I too am walking the line of incompetence and inadequacy. Maybe though, the reason we feel the way we do when we see people better than us on different aspects is because we put our identity in the wrong things. Identity. Another i. Perhaps, I am so caught up in being measured by my academic "prowess" (or really lack thereof), I feel the disappointment when I don't stand at the same level as everyone else. Maybe I am measuring my worth and value into a grade or a score or an acceptance letter from an esteemed university. 

And maybe that's why I feel those i's. Truth is, those i's are awfully hard to shake off. 

But here's the good news: We can trade those i's for something else. Maybe you and I won't ever have a 4.0 GPA (if you already do, then well, good for you) but remember, perspective is key to everything! What you choose, or rather who you choose, to place your identity in makes all the difference. There is only one person in this whole entire universe that already knows your value and worth despite your shortcomings and He can make you feel sufficient, capable, enough, worthy, and then some. Choose wisely.