To Live a Fulfilled Life

writing this post has taken me such a long time. seems like whenever I try to say what I'm about to say, I feel myself holding back. part of the reason is because I struggle with putting emotion into words. they lose so much meaning in the process of translation. but the bigger reason is because the perception puts me in check. thinking over what you're going to say for too long can create a lot of doubts about how others perceive you and many times, you choose to recoil and abandon something that would've been critical, even therapeutic, to your own well-being had you chosen to speak up. so, I guess, I'm doing this for two reasons: 1. because to try is better than to not and 2. I have absolutely nothing left to lose.

people constantly say to live life to the fullest. I don't have anything against that, but the after awhile, it begins to feel empty... and vague. what do you mean when you say you're going to "live life to the fullest"? do you mean to the utmost potential when you say living to the fullest? how can you know when your life is at its utmost potential? do you really just mean living til a point where you are satisfied with yourself? taking the human nature into account (like a reasonable being always should,) how can you possibly ever be satisfied? you can't right? and since you can't, what's the point in living for your own unattainable satisfaction? life loses meaning when you're in it for yourself & that is why I find "living life to the fullest" incredibly dull and overstated. 

the drive to live a more fulfilled life occurred to me the other day which, in turn, sparked a question about my own faith. sometimes I wonder whether or not the umpteen times I've made up my mind to follow Him have counted. sometimes I know for certain I have been living the life of unanswered questions, and other days, I don't even know where I am in the journey. there are many days that I feel that I am the one who doubts and am being swallowed by the waves, the sheep that is lost and has not yet been found, the blind who still cannot see. on some days, I am the one who cries inside but hides away on the outside. I am the one who bruises easily, the fifth wheel, the silent observer, the one who takes the brunt of everything, believes the best of everyone, and tried too hard to not be Me. I am struggling.

I see people I love and admire already well on the path; some others are already on the other side, waiting. I feel hesitant to cross because my doubts are brought to life up close. should I choose to step back, I would see all that is in store for me, but I am chained by my own deceit and insecurities. bluntly speaking, I am afraid.

I abhor the idea of spending the rest of my life strapped down. I want to live life to the fullest, but not the way people have come to define the phrase. I want to live a limitless life, where I can use my abilities, not for my own good, but for Him. in the end, I guess it means, I want. need. to live a Christ-fulfilled life, because what other life is there to live if not for Him?

He said, "Come, Follow Me." Christ never forced, He challenged. He challenges us to take up the cross and walk in His footsteps. this is it. this is the Christ-fulfilled life. I have absolutely no clue what He has in store for me, but that's not even the point. taking that first baby step is what it all boils down to. the first step is the hardest, and actually, I don't think it really ever gets easier, but to know that you're doing it for someone greater is such a comforting thing.

I am weak. He is strong. I am powerless. He is powerful. I am unable. He is able. what is impossible with me is always possible with Him. and what He has started with me, He will most definitely finish. (Phil 1:6)