Bent, [but] Not Broken

I just want to say before you read this post, this is not meant to be me boasting about my accomplishments or progress. no, quite the opposite really. I have a lot doubts posting about my spiritual aspect because it's kind of personal and daring, I guess you could say, to put these kind of things on the internet for all to see. but like any post on my blog, this is merely a girl documenting life and every bump and dip along the way. it's me simply saying, "hey here's what God's been doing in my life so far. come see and join me on this exciting roller coaster of a journey we call life". so all glory to God.

I've come to a point in my life where I seemed to be sitting in a desert, lost and dry, confused and torn, but praise God, because after a very loong time, I've finally come out and by His grace, I'm still here in the game. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that He's still here even after all my failures. grace is a beautiful thing and as long as I'm around, I will never cease to be amazed by it.

for the time period I stood between the crossroads, I wondered if it was something I was doing wrong. endless prayers were always one-way conversations met with silence. I've heard that sometimes God will bring us to a desert and sometimes all we need to do is continue to praise Him. it may be silent for the most part but maybe, just maybe, that's the point. can we praise God even in the storm? that's the real test, I think.

during my little "trial", I learned a couple things about myself. for one, I found out that because I had nobody to turn to, I would throw myself pity parties and they usually ended with me raging, "WHY GOD!?! WHY?!" my self-pity routine usually revolved around me droning on and on about being empty and lonely etc. why did God remain silent while I drowned out in my misery...

when I still lived in SC, I wrote in my journal a lot. some of it was nonsense, some of it was deep, but either way it was all very raw and genuine. mostly there were just a lot of questions and struggles of mine. as I contemplated on why God had brought me back here, I flipped through my journal, reading entries here and there. the pages overflowed with memories and encounters--times where I had laughed til I cried or somebody or something had said something that had made me feel like I was flying and times where people had unintentionally or intentionally said something that had cut me so bad, the scars had taken ages to heal or times when I had fretted over issues or problems that seemed impossible to figure out. as I read, a story seemed to unfold before my eyes and my mind started to piece together every situation and its turnout. all the difficulties I had encountered? there had been encouragement all along the way that pushed me through. all the heart-breaking cries had been answered with comfort from the right people at the right time. all through the priceless and joyous moments, they had been shared with the best people I could have ever asked for. and then, it struck me out of nowhere. just a little voice. it was so convicting, evident and overwhelming, like a hammer right between my eyes, that all I could do was blink back the tears as I scribbled the words down on a blank page:

You were there. You were always there. from the start, You were there.

He'd been there in the best times and He'd been right there through the lowest points of my life. and even though I'd come to believe I had been left here, God was here. He's always been here. walking out from my desert, I realized He'd been molding me and prompting me to trust Him the entire time. all I needed was a little push in the right direction. He knew exactly what my limitations were and He'd let me bend but He hadn't let me break and even though I still don't know why He chose to bring me back to where I am now, I know I'll be just fine.

I've never been so stoked to encounter something so real. celebrate with me, 'cause today marks the start of something new.

soli deo gloria.

all glory to God.