oh hi. it's been awhile since I just sat and blurbed about my life hasn't it? hm, well life's been playing like a crazy animated movie, except the worst part is that there's no "stop" button and the only other button that works is "forward". I wouldn't mind hiding away for a bit. I'm the kind of person that ducks away when chaos ensues. I've gotten countless questions of why I deactivated the dear ol' Facebook account. why? let me put it this way, I love Facebook. I really do. believe me, without it I would be pretty behind on what's going with friends+family and nothing drives me more nutters than not knowing what's going in their lives. in fact, the big bro has already pointed out that I am clueless as to what's going on with him w/o my Facebook. I'll say the same for everybody that has asked, I deactivated my account not because it's a distraction per se, but because for me it's one less thing to check during this period of time.
I eat everything that's on my plate. if it's there, it'll bug me like no other until it's gone and because of my nature, Facebook was the first to leave. now I don't have the pressure to be like, "AH. must. check." it feels good and I'm tempted about whether or not I should just get rid of it for good or deactivate it after awhile. we'll see, it may be a couple days... weeks... months... years. yeah, no big deal. let's talk before I drop off the face of the earth.
admittedly, I've never been an A+ student in school. I'm your average Jane who makes a lot of B+'s and occasionally an A for the most part. I'm horrible at math and have been since...I have no idea. I just can't do math. good gracious. Ihate abhor math. I refuse to take one answer as the only answer which can be quite problematic with a subject such as math. because of this, I am not by any means articulate when people decide to compare grades or when people need help with their homework. what peeves me the most is when somebody with a 99 cries about not getting 100. wait what's that? I just described the whole Asian population? no wait, make that 99.99% because then there's me.
for these very reasons I am easily intimidated by those who are uhm, waay up there. I'm sure they don't do it on purpose but whenever you try to talk to them you can't help but think, "GOODNESS GRACIOUS. HE'S PROBABLY JUDGING ME RIGHT NOW. OH HE'S GIVING ME THAT STARE DOWN AND SIZING ME UP. OH GOSH, HETHINKS KNOWS I'M STUPID. OMG DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?! IN FRONT OF THE SMART GUY? AWW NO. NO. PLAY IT COOL. PLAY IT COOL." do I sound insecure? I assure you I'm not or at least, that totally wasn't my intention to come off that way, haha. I have wholeheartedly accepted the fact that there will always be people smarter/better than me. well, kind of.
a couple weeks ago, I had the terrifying experience of playing Communion. oddly enough I had done it plenty of times but that Sunday there was no pianist so Pops at the last minute asked me to play--yes last minute aka the morning of, so I had what you'd call a pre-"performance", jittery, butterflies in stomach vibe. anyway, I manage to butcher the song but that's not even the worse part. as a pianist/musician, you tend to hear the silence longer and louder than they really are. you can't help it that you do. so while everybody is quietly meditating, the little voice inside of you screams, "OH IT'S TOO QUIET. PLAY SOMETHING. PLAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING. AH." uh. trust me. chances are, if you're not that musicale savvy, it's not something you would notice, but any person whose had to perform before in any way (whether as solo or accompanist and whether in church setting or a recital/concert etc), you people should know exactly what I'm talking about. it may be a small mistake that the audience can't catch on, but you hear it three times louder than it really is. my point lies the same: it's awfully nerve-wracking.
so I haven't even gotten to the worse part yet. let us pretend the performance goes on and you're trying to comfort yourself from your little blunder. you tell yourself that it'll be okay and that nobody could hear it except you, then you look up and see a Juilliard scout or something sitting among the audience. chances are you'd like to just run off the spotlight and burst into tears, but you break a sweat and continue as the show must go on.
that whole scenario played case in point for me but instead of a Juilliard scout, it was a fellow who just happened to be a prodigy attending a music school in NY and was somewhat my age, maybe an year older. I recall at that moment I wanted to sink in the ground and die. UGH. intimidation factor activated. if he had been a cranky forty-year old piano teacher, I wouldn't have given it a thought, but a guy, a boy, nonetheless who probably could've played a mean chopsticks and was waay up there... AH. the fellow was smiling like no other. I'm sure he saw me staring at him with a mortified look on my face because he looked down at his lap right afterwards, but still kept the smile. you probably think I'm exaggerating but seriously who smiles during Communion, especially at the part right before you take a piece of the cracker? the congregation was a sea of sober faces and then BAM there was his. the kind of smile that was on his face was the type you might wear if you'd overheard a hilarious conversation but didn't wanna laugh out loud because then it'd reveal that you'd been eavesdropping to something you shouldn't have been or the kind of smile that spreads across your face and you wanna snicker out loud because you just heard something so dumb, but you don't wanna be rude.
needless to say, I think I'll be better off without these type scenarios for the time being. actually, make that forever. kthanks.
I eat everything that's on my plate. if it's there, it'll bug me like no other until it's gone and because of my nature, Facebook was the first to leave. now I don't have the pressure to be like, "AH. must. check." it feels good and I'm tempted about whether or not I should just get rid of it for good or deactivate it after awhile. we'll see, it may be a couple days... weeks... months... years. yeah, no big deal. let's talk before I drop off the face of the earth.
admittedly, I've never been an A+ student in school. I'm your average Jane who makes a lot of B+'s and occasionally an A for the most part. I'm horrible at math and have been since...I have no idea. I just can't do math. good gracious. I
for these very reasons I am easily intimidated by those who are uhm, waay up there. I'm sure they don't do it on purpose but whenever you try to talk to them you can't help but think, "GOODNESS GRACIOUS. HE'S PROBABLY JUDGING ME RIGHT NOW. OH HE'S GIVING ME THAT STARE DOWN AND SIZING ME UP. OH GOSH, HE
a couple weeks ago, I had the terrifying experience of playing Communion. oddly enough I had done it plenty of times but that Sunday there was no pianist so Pops at the last minute asked me to play--yes last minute aka the morning of, so I had what you'd call a pre-"performance", jittery, butterflies in stomach vibe. anyway, I manage to butcher the song but that's not even the worse part. as a pianist/musician, you tend to hear the silence longer and louder than they really are. you can't help it that you do. so while everybody is quietly meditating, the little voice inside of you screams, "OH IT'S TOO QUIET. PLAY SOMETHING. PLAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING. AH." uh. trust me. chances are, if you're not that musicale savvy, it's not something you would notice, but any person whose had to perform before in any way (whether as solo or accompanist and whether in church setting or a recital/concert etc), you people should know exactly what I'm talking about. it may be a small mistake that the audience can't catch on, but you hear it three times louder than it really is. my point lies the same: it's awfully nerve-wracking.
so I haven't even gotten to the worse part yet. let us pretend the performance goes on and you're trying to comfort yourself from your little blunder. you tell yourself that it'll be okay and that nobody could hear it except you, then you look up and see a Juilliard scout or something sitting among the audience. chances are you'd like to just run off the spotlight and burst into tears, but you break a sweat and continue as the show must go on.
that whole scenario played case in point for me but instead of a Juilliard scout, it was a fellow who just happened to be a prodigy attending a music school in NY and was somewhat my age, maybe an year older. I recall at that moment I wanted to sink in the ground and die. UGH. intimidation factor activated. if he had been a cranky forty-year old piano teacher, I wouldn't have given it a thought, but a guy, a boy, nonetheless who probably could've played a mean chopsticks and was waay up there... AH. the fellow was smiling like no other. I'm sure he saw me staring at him with a mortified look on my face because he looked down at his lap right afterwards, but still kept the smile. you probably think I'm exaggerating but seriously who smiles during Communion, especially at the part right before you take a piece of the cracker? the congregation was a sea of sober faces and then BAM there was his. the kind of smile that was on his face was the type you might wear if you'd overheard a hilarious conversation but didn't wanna laugh out loud because then it'd reveal that you'd been eavesdropping to something you shouldn't have been or the kind of smile that spreads across your face and you wanna snicker out loud because you just heard something so dumb, but you don't wanna be rude.
needless to say, I think I'll be better off without these type scenarios for the time being. actually, make that forever. kthanks.
a friend recently asked if I had been looking for schools and which ones I was looking at. I told him I was still thinking since I still had a year. he was surprised to find out I was still a junior. I voiced my concern about not finding the right school in such little time and he patted me on the back and said, "don't worry, you're still young. you have so much time." HA. yeah right. if ONLY. life needs to slow down. please. I then proceeded to return his pat on the back and tell him he was still young too. he's really not.
life, slow down. please.
the big bro saw rage guy here a few days ago and informed me I had upped "+60 rep points". I told him I knew I always would make him proud someday. Pops told me he saw rage guy too and then asked if I had drawn him. I told him it was a meme. he asked what a meme was. I love my Pa Grape.
I've been listening to THIS all day. leave it to the genius to change Cash to something so incredibly soothing. it's been helping me finish my research papers all morning and afternoon, and possibly will for the evening too. I've decided I don't mind the research, I just find putting words together and arranging sentences on a Word document to be a sore nuisance. whether I like it or not however, the job still needs to be done, so off I go. have a good week. cheers.
No comments:
Post a Comment