a five-lettered word

Hello, my dearest friends. Somehow this unexpected hiatus from blogging ended up swallowing the entirety of my summer. I've been all over the place both figuratively and literally. Due to the nature of my circumstances and its involvement of other persons near and dear to my heart, I apologize for being vague here and there. To be honest, I still cannot fully articulate how I feel some days. Nevertheless, I will try.

Rewind back to the beginning of summer. Right after school had ended, it was a flurry of nonstop activity--camping, an outreach event, helping to shoot my first wedding, moving into my apartment and starting lab work (You can read more on that HERE.) In between, I was meeting up with friends here and there over the week. Some nights, I'd go home with my friend, S, and spend the night with her family. She and I would take long hikes after dinner and then sit afterwards in a dark parking lot, stargazing and surrounded by fireflies as we talked. I was still going home every weekend for my part-time job. Things fit perfectly into the tiny neat boxes that compartmentalized my life. Life was good, but despite it all, I was afraid of settling into the ordinary, and asked God to do something. Specifically, I asked God to make me new. Stretch me, break me, mold me, the prayer went.

Safe to say, He (happily) obliged.

It was not what I expected (shocker.)

He asked me a simple question, one that involved a five-lettered word.

It was not what I expected either (shocker, again.)

For me, this five-lettered word comes in various forms and actions:

>>It is synonymous with Surrender and throwing up the white flag. It is the relinquishment of realizing I am in no shape to run my own life because when I try, things get very ugly. Very quickly.

>>It whispers for me to wait--not on the situation or the person(s) involved--but on Him, not in expectancy for answers but knowing full well that my God is in control + I don't need to have a happy story-book ending to live a God-glorifying life.

>>It requires for absolute silence, even going so far to abstain from pouring out my wee heart cry to close friends and family. I have been afraid to even journal for fear that what I want in my heart must be given up to Him. As if somehow, by writing down what I wish for would solidify my mindset and make it all the more harder to return. Sometimes, I've ached to tell people exactly how I feel but too much noise, no matter how kind-hearted the intention may be, only brings more chaos.

>>It reprimands Fear. It chooses Faith. It does not pry my fingers off what lies inside the clenched fist but beckons to let loose the chains shackled around the heart because freedom in Christ is inexpressible. Faith over fear is always a choice.

>>It redefines the ambiguity the way I understand it to be from "train wreck catastrophe" to the understanding that the God of the universe is penning my story--word by word, letter by letter. I am terrified of open endings, particularly when they involve relationships. I seek closure in everything. But sometimes that's not what God entails in His plan and it is what I am learning to accept.

>>It teaches me to put to death all the little things in life, not for the sake of dying, but for the sake of living once more. This means placing my flaky emotions on the altar, whatever that looks like. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what this means. I just know that I'm a girl and emotions are something I constantly have to wrestle with because they can get the better of me when I let my guard down. (Which, by the way, is all. the. time.)

>>It replaces grief with the promise of a peace that provides a haven from self-afflicted unbelief. Admittedly, I've shed more tears in this season of life than I have others and have seen my weaknesses, sin and struggles only more blatantly throughout this entire process, but the Lord gives grace. Partaking in Daily Bread is a real thing. I get it now. My God gives strength for each day--not an ounce less and not an ounce more--but it is enough. It is my manna, if you will. What is it?, the Israelites asked. I don't know, but I'll take it, Lord.

This morning, I opened my Bible to spend time with my Lover and my eyes fell upon this five-lettered word--the first word of the verse and the theme of my life. The tears stung but I couldn't help but smile because even now when I feel like I have walked out of my mess, He still whispers to me in the silence the same question that started it all:

"My child, will you trust me?"

Yes, trust. Go back and replace each description in the previous paragraphs with "trust" because initially, I didn't see it either. I saw a list of challenges and obstacles I had to overcome. The more I unpack it, the more I understand. Not fully mind you, but it's a start + I'll take it.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)