of new dreams and fuller faith

One year ago, I began chasing a new dream.

It's hard to explain because it sounds almost unreal when I look back on it.

It's not that my life is particularly more extraordinary than the next person's. It certainly wouldn't be on any bestseller list if I were to put it all down. And yet, nothing in it can be explained without pointing to something, someone greater who dictates my every step, my every breath. There's been so many moments lately where I found myself staring at the sky and asking, "Lord, are you trolling me right now or ...?"

I don't mean this in a bad way, but it often comes in the form of me making plans that I think are the best and Him coming around and presenting me with something far beyond what I could have ever dreamed of. And this very fact has changed my outlook on life and shed light into my response in the face of uncertainty.

I've been thinking (a dangerous thing to do) whether or not I ought to share what I'm planning to do after graduation. But there is something to be said about documenting in good faith despite not knowing the outcome. As always, if you are somebody who is currently teetering on a path of uncertainty and trying to find your life calling, then read closely, because this one is for you.

So then, here we go. Some real talk.

It was my junior year, late November. A dear friend, J, and I had just grabbed dinner and were catching up with each other in the student center.

As we talked, a good friend of ours happened to walk by. He squeezed into the booth beside me and we asked him how he had been doing. He smiled tiredly and responded that things had been rough. A week ago he had broke to his parents, after much prayer and seeking after God's heart, that he was no longer pursuing his major. Conflict had ensued but in the end, things slowly began to be smoothed over as God restored their relationships with a deeper love and understanding for one another.

I remember sitting in the booth, trembling. Deep admiration intermingled with envy.

I had had my sights on medical school for nearly the first three years of school. It was what I wanted to do despite the challenges and hardship, but somewhere along the road, I began to realize the passion wasn't there anymore. Unfortunately, pride remained even when passion did not. I was terrified. I didn't want to admit to my parents, my peers, or even myself that I didn't want to go to med school anymore. My junior year dragged on as I endured courses that I dreaded going to, all the while wondering if perhaps I was doomed to this path I had chosen. Worst of all, there was fear that if I did not have a definite plan of what I wanted to do post-undergrad, I would be forever stuck in limbo and floating around without a job.

At that time, I had just joined a media team at school and headed up a small photography project meant to highlight and capture the story of Christians from various fellowships on our campus. One night, as the clock eased past the wee hours of morning, I finally put my organic chem textbook aside and threw something together as a design for the project as a teaser. I sent it to the media ministry president for review and he replied back about putting promotional material together for one of the annual Christian events at our school.

As I sat in the booth, listening to my friend tell his story and the crazy courage that came with pursuing what he loved and his conviction to tune into God's calling in his own life, I began to sense God had something big in store for me, like far beyond what I could dream of and that whatever it was, He was starting to give me just a tiny glimpse of it. In retrospect, I honestly believe that sitting in that booth and hearing my friend's story changed my life in every way. (If you'd like to read about his experience, please check it out HERE. He was gracious enough to let me link it!)

For the next five months after, every prayer was grounded in the acknowledgement that I did not run my own life anymore. There was a desperate desire to chase this new dream of designing, because even though it felt foreign and unfamiliar, it felt right. Throughout the rest of my junior year, from November to May, the Father began to affirm this calling loud and clear by opening up doors to numerous opportunities. It amazes me because none of these opportunities were actively sought out by me; God just kept providing.

It was a hard learning process because I was starting from essentially no experience and knowledge whatsoever. I wondered at times if I was perhaps all making this up in my mind, but throughout the time, He provided people who were so gracious and supportive in seeing me thrive and pursue this passion. These individuals saw whatever potential and took chances on me, not just once but multiple times. Up until that point in life, I hadn't realized that people like this really, really existed in my life. There would be so many time in those months that consisted of them looking me in the eye and saying, "Hey, listen, I stand by you and I support your decision to do what you love and I will do everything I have to get you where you want to be." If it meant late night talks in the diner to convince me that this was what I was meant for, then that's exactly what they did. If it meant dropping whatever they were doing at a moment's notice to come to me and talk me through the projects I'd been given to do, then that's exactly what they did. If it meant a panicked call from yours truly at some random hour in the day to convince me God was in control, then that what's they did. You all know who you are. There's no telling how much you impacted my life, and I can only spend the rest of mine in return to stand by you.

Granted, I will say not everybody was thrilled about my decision. Certain friends were very concerned I was throwing my future away. They asked me to reconsider, to pray more. I felt very uncomfortable telling people about my plans, but none of that compared to the moment I had to explain to my mother I was no longer med school bound. I had decided not to tell her until March because I figured it would give me time to pray and make sure God was speaking to me clearly before I dropped the bomb.

I shook so much during the conversation I had with her that I could barely get my words together on the phone. I didn't know how to put into words my passion for graphic design, the way God had been opening doors and most of all, the fact that I had been spending their hard-earned savings on a science degree I possibly would never end up using when money was already so tight in the house.

It was not a good conversation. Tension ran high.

"You don't even care about what's happening at home. Everything is just about your life. You only care about yourself" she said.

I bit my tongue so hard it almost bled and my mind screamed to defend myself. But I couldn't. I fought back the urge to argue for fear of escalating the matter. I said nothing for the next half hour as she accused me for never praying for her and my father, for being selfish, for being wishy washy about my career goals, for being stagnant in my faith.

My mother is not a rash person. She is, in fact, quite the opposite. Ever since I could remember, she would spend hours in her prayer closet each day praying for every individual in her life. Every single encounter or trial, big or small, that she's gone through in her life, she's always brought before the Father. Because she is my mother, I've listened and taken her advice on almost all things in my life. And almost every time, she has been right.

But this time, she could not have been more wrong. Despite the (very) rough patches of learning, junior year had been such a game changer and life changing experience in terms of my walk with Jesus that if I had to pinpoint a time in my life where I first encountered Jesus, it was junior year. I was still a diamond in the rough, however, and pride often rained on my character. Needless to say, my mother could also not see most of these changes as I was no longer living at home and the accusations of my old self ran deep.

Tears ran down my face and I had to cup my mouth so she wouldn't hear anything. After a long silence, she stopped and asked why I wasn't responding to her, "Are you crying? You really shouldn't be."

I lied to her and told her I had to go. I hung up and cried for an hour. The entire time, I wondered if I had perceived the Father's signs all wrong for the past half year. Perhaps He hadn't called me to pursue graphic design. Perhaps, I had misread everything. If I didn't have my mother's blessing, could this have been the right move? How could God leave me out to dry like that?

For the next few months, as I finished up my junior year, I pored over Scripture and sought advice from the few close friends who knew what I was going through. Did I need my parents' approval to seek after a career that I felt so strongly God had called me to? I didn't know.

But as the theme of my year last semester was wait, I waited. I waited for something to happen, anything to happen. In the meantime, I barely told anyone I was no longer pursuing medical school. Without my mother's blessing or affirmation, I didn't feel at ease. Friends prayed with me as I trudged through the semester. They had to watch me cry some real ugly tears, ha.

One random week in April, my mother spontaneously asked to come see me. I hesitated. Since that last phone call, I sensed that our conversations had been tainted with tension and always ended up with one of us getting upset and me falling on my knees again.

I reluctantly agreed.

She came in with arms full of groceries and a hot rotisserie chicken from Costco. We sat down and talked for an hour about everything except for the fact that I just desperately wanted her blessing.

As she was walking out the door, she suddenly stopped in her tracks, turned around and said, "Ariel, 妈妈支持你. 你做什么, 我都会支持你, okay? (Ariel, I support you. I will always support you in what you do, okay?)"

Relief and tears flooded my senses.

I write this blog post to let you know that if you are somehow in this period of life where you are unsure of your calling in life and/or find yourself waiting for answers, don't lose hope. I want to close this terribly long post with a little story.

Sometime in November, when the idea of pursuing graphic design was still a new idea, I sent a lengthy email to an artist whose music has deeply impacted my life. This artist had spent his undergrad majoring in something completely unrelated to music before he felt God calling him to pursue his passion in music. My email described my situation and asked if perhaps he had ever regretted his own decision to pursue his passion despite the struggles he's encountered along the way.

It was completely out of character for me, sending that email. But I was so desperate and in a context where most of my peers were already pursuing their lucrative careers in pharmacy, medical school, whatever school with no doubt, I was drowning and struggling to find answers.

I sent the email, expecting no response.

That very night, he replied with a lengthy response that matched my own. He encouraged me to not put so much pressure on myself, despite not knowing what I wanted to do in life. Then at the very end, he wrote this:

There's enough grace in life for us to try and fail. 

I'll tell you the same thing. In your waiting season or period of uncertainty, have hope and be brave. There's enough grace in life for us to try and fail. Recognize, dear friend, that God still sits on His throne, He is in control of EVERYTHING and He desires the best for you. You could not even begin to imagine the journey He is taking you on; so don't worry. You may say, but Ariel, you have no idea what I'm going through! And I would say you are absolutely correct, but let me ask you: Can any of you add a single hour to your life by worrying? (Matt. 6:27) And if God has led you so far, would He abandon you now? I may not be able to clearly see every step in my own future but I know in my heart that if my God has taken me this far (in just one year nonetheless) then He will most certainly not abandon and so I look forward in great anticipation to all things He will do. As some might say, it is a exciting time to be alive.

Here's to chasing new dreams and trusting with fuller faith.

EDIT: The same day I published this post, I came home with my roomie that night, walked right into the living room and suddenly saw a body curled up on our couch in the dark. 

I turned to my roomie, thinking it was our apartment's friend staying over, "Oh my goodness! There's some guy sleeping here!"

She didn't react, turned on the light and suddenly the faces of loved ones rushed out the kitchen, birthday cake and phone cameras in hand shouting "SURPRISE!!"

Seeing as my birthday was nearly a month ago and my roomie's was coming up, I turned to her expecting it was for her. 

"IT'S FOR YOU!" she said and everybody erupted into the birthday song.

Turns out it was not a dream. The most unreal part came when they handed me the gift they had all chipped in on. Even as I tore off the first corner and glimpsed the box, I felt the tears springing into my eyes.

I peeled off the rest of the wrapping paper and looked at the beautiful Wacom tablet in my lap.

"We love you and support you!" someone shouted.

This post immediately sprang to mind. "Lord are you trolling me right now?" I whispered. Then I cried because what did I ever do to deserve to have this much love in my life?

Needless to say, I went to bed with a very, very full heart.